Wednesday, January 28, 2004

it's singalong time!

Mom used to tell me how much I adored Mr. Roger's. I used to sit in front of the TV and reply to him just like he was sitting in my living room. Since I've been off I've become re-acquainted with my old crush. Today on his show I learned how they make toothbrushes!!! When Curt wasn't working he at least had regular M*A*S*H re-runs to keep him sane. Since we've cancelled the cable I don't have that luxury. I actually caught myself watching Barny for more than 30 seconds yesterday. On the one hand, it's kind of nice re-discovering my inner child. I actually found myself singing a little song I remember from my girlhood to Curt as a lullaby last night:

"I'm a little pile of tin,
Nobody knows what shape I'm in.
I'm no Chevy & I'm no Ford
Just 4 wheels & a running board
Honk, honk rattle rattle rattle rattle crash, beep beep
Honk, Honk! Rattle, rattle, rattle, crash beep beep!"


(Don't forget appropriate hand gestures on last 2 lines)
Which was just *so* much fun I dreamed up two other risque verses while I was drifting off:

"I'm a little pile of shit,
Nobody has a place to sit.
Driver's seat is a rusty door
Everyone else sits on the floor"
Chorus

"I'm a little pile of crap,
no seat belts, not shoulder or lap.
Windows sealed and doors weld shut
If we crash now nothing can save our butt!"
Chorus


What do you think? Maybe I could start my own children's show! On 2nd thought, maybe not. One thing's certain. If I don't get another job for months I'm in serious trouble.

Monday, January 26, 2004

Finally, the Grisly Detail

Sorry I haven't written more details before now, but my brain's been stuck on this nauseating tilt-a-whirl of "what if'", "I wonder..."; and " "Maybe I should.." thoughts since my incident with Shelly that had my head spinning so damned much I couldn't sleep. Part of the shock of getting fired was I'd actually called in that morning saying I'd be late so I could get a couple hours of sleep - I'd had none. I'm sure that didn't have anything to do with me getting fired though; and in hindsight I'm kind of glad I made the hatchet crew wait on me. I hope they sat all morning trying to justify their stupidity, agonizing over whether or not they'd done the right thing; and generally feeling shitty for betraying a supposed 'Friend'.

And it was a betrayal. I knew what was up the minute I walked in the office and Shelly said "we need to meet with Jan, NOW" and she wouldn't even let me log in. First words out of Jan's mouth were, "I promised if things ever weren't working out I'd let you know. So I'm letting you know now - we've eliminated your position" blah blah blah. When she had actually promised to let me know ahead of time and allow us both to determine a mutually suitable exit strategy - giving me enough time to find work and wrap up loose ends - document my processes; train others - etc. But no. I still have no idea what I did that was so heinous in her eye that justified her actions - I will never know. I have my suspicons, though (hence the tilt-a-whirl) and what's so very, very sad about all this is every one of the possibilities I can think of is a result of lack of communication and misunderstanding - and could have easily been fixed if she had taken the time to sit down and better define my & Shelly's roles & responsibilities as I had specifically requested 2 or 3 times. But no. She brushed me off saying "we'll deal with any problems when they come up". Last week - they came up and I guess this is how she chose to deal with it.

What broke my heart is it just didn't have to be this way. But I didn't stay broken-hearted long. The more I thought about it the more I realized what a world of hurt they've brought on themselves with this. I have not documented *any* of the regular procedures I do that so many people count on every month; and I've modified or added to any that I inherited, for which there might be documentation. Eventually they'll be able to figure it out - but there's going to be a lot of pissed off people in the meantime.

By Friday night I was pretty well over the shock, and actually started feeling pretty damned happy. I'm enjoying my vacation and already thinking about what to do with this very unexpected opportunity. I'm seriously considering trying to make a go of consulting full time, and am now laying awake thinking about possible markets and who I need to contact to activate my "network" and all that crap. And now, too I don't have much of an excuse not to start that novel I keep threatening to write.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Good Riddance

It's not often you get a root canal and fired from your job in the same week. Maybe not surprisingly, but of the two the root canal is causing me more pain. I've never been fired before. It's a new sensation.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Am I just a socially inept moron?

I mean, here I was mocking Smokin' Pete the other day for his clumsy ability to socialize, but he's in customer service. I try to get a simple difference of opinion worked out with Shelly and initiate some kind of basic professional collaboration and it turns into yet another sobfest. What a hypocrite I am. I may post the details later - right now I think we've got it worked out and I'm trying to move on. My birthday gift to my hubby today: trying not to obsess about my work issues on his special day. This post about beaurocratic headaches from Tequila Mockingbird is helping quite a bit.

Monday, January 19, 2004

20/20 Vision and one dead tooth later

I'm still alive :) and I'm not blind!! Woohoo!! The Lasik after all the hoopla was strangely anti-climatic. Didn't hurt at all. It was just more than a little disconcerting to feel like my eyes were going in for a 10 min oil change. Wait for 2 hours, get your little kit of goodies from Chris the tech guy (who bore a strong resemblance to one of the cruise director's assistants, "Karl with a K" from our honeymoon... but I digress); then they take you into a procedure room that was highly reminiscent of an X-files episode... plop you down in the chair, tape open your eyelids, then within 5 minutes afix suction thingies to your eyeballs, apply some eyedrop numbing stuff, then slice open the cornea, crank up the laser (I can't really describe the smell of burnt eyeball... I'm blocking it) , slap on some goop, flop the flap back over and voila! Good as new! Makes you think the days of Minority Report where Tom Cruise gets a black market eyeball transplant aren't that far-fetched.

Friday, January 16, 2004

Hello, my name is Kelli & I'm a pill popper

3 hours to Lasik and I'm flying high on Vicodin. It's making the toothache tolerable, though I need to take 2 to sleep. Mom said 1 Vicodin won't touch a toothache like this and damned if she's not right. I called the Lasik clinic this morning just to make sure it wouldn't be a problem. They said no - in fact a lot of people take one ahead of time to help them relax. Though they also give you a sedative - some kind of valium derivative to make sure you sleep afterwards to ameliorate the misery. Which I'm still going to get. So I'll be able to see clearer but will bet too stoned to tell for the next couple of days.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Countdown to Clarity

It is now less than 24 hours to my Lasik surgery!!! The pre-op exam went well, though I wasn't expecting to be dilated and it's taken me several hours to quit looking like someone strung out on crack (I'm assuming, of course that crack addicts have dilated pupils - I swear I saw it on ER once). The only not-so-good thing is I apparently have over-large pupils that dilate out to 7 mm, which happens to be the *exact* maximum covered area the cheaper Nidek laser can handle. The other option, the VisX is of course more expensive ($799/eye) but it can go up to a whopping 8 mm.... which would reduce my risk of developing problems with my night vision. So the question of the day: Is the increased risk worth an extra $300 per eye? I've done a little more research and I think so.

That will leave me $400 in my flex plan to pay for the non-covered portion of a root canal, which I am in desperate need of. So far I've taken 3 aspirin and 2 ibuprofen today and it's barely dulling the pain. In fact, fuck it - I'm calling for an appointment to get it done ASAP and see if the dentist will give me an Rx for Vicodin or something in the meantime. I'm sick of popping so many damned OTC pills and if I *do* get pregnant, I won't be able to at all.. Damn! How am I going to deal with not being able to take my sinus meds? Guess I'll just have to go see my aunt's acupuncturist dude. She says he manages her sinus problems using acupressure.

I bought this cool History of Portland book the other day with the gift cert. my father in law gave me for Christmas. I'm only through the first chapter and I'm already learning all kinds of fascinating trivia I can now wow Pop's side of the family with. Like why the streets on the north side of town run diagonal to those on the souht side. We're a bunch of annoying as hell historical know-it-alls is what we are... And come next Thanksgiving I shall be the queen! Bwahahaha!!

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

I don't want

to hear anything more about that unfortunate Thanksgiving when my bandaid somehow ended up in the mashed potatoes: McCormick & Schmick settle condom in chowder lawsuit.

38 Hours, 10 minutes

until I get my Lasik Surgery done. Woohoo!!!

Monday, January 12, 2004

Everyone's a Poindexter

Really, I've been trying to avoid this guy. He reeks of smoke, but what's worse he's a prime example of the PC tech wannabe's we inevitably end up hiring in non-IT departments. They plague us with computer jargon and jokes picked up from years of tearing apart and building their own PC's in Mom's basement and yuk-yuking about their little hobbies in gamer's forums with other socially inept wannabe's. This is why we got our own office. Otherwise they'd try to cozy up with their vast knowledge of DOS programming skills and weasel free software out of us all damned day long. But he managed to sneak into the office with an actual legitimate question and I couldn't avoid him this time. Dammit! Now I'm going to have to start avoiding the lunchroom again or else he's going to imagine a kinship of some sorts and pester me with technical questions and shit about our systems which, even if I knew them (I don't do hardware... ) would force me to pull the "if I told you, I'd have to kill you" cliche because unless rigorously policed (by Todd, thank Maude) these people would run amuck (amuck, amuck) in our systems, testing security and user access at every point and downloading all kinds of shit off the internet, wasting both their time and everyone else's when system resources inevitably slow.

I do feel sorry for these people. Sure they've got some good technical skills but thanks to the current shitty economy are having to find work wherever they can and usually it's *not* where they'd want to be: in I.T. So they end up like Smoky Pete stuck in customer service or accounting salivating at the door to the BatCave every time they walk by, hoping we'll take pity on them and share a little bit of the privileged world we live in. And it is privileged - I know. And I can identify - I was once one of them. I was just lucky enough to actually break into this world and I'm still very grateful for that. But not enough to take pity on the poor bugger. I've worked hard to earn my air of superiority :)

Some Music Critics Get So Vicious!

Curt & I had a wonderful clearing of the air on Friday eve.... and a lovely weekend. I felt much more "connected" to him than I have in awhile. We're getting better at this arguing thing. Our raised & intense voices only scared the cats twice, whereas in the past they would knock each other out bolting for the door. Heh - I wonder if someone could make a go of using "pet therapy" for couples counseling. It would definitely teach people to moderate their "tone" if they had to keep a kitty happily purring in their laps whilst discussing how the secretary's undies got under the seat of the Mercedes.

Cleo, especially is very sensitive to sound/tone. She's the reason I gave up playing my flute. I can't tell if she likes it or hates it but every time I play she comes running and tries to rub up against my face/ hands, purring like a diesel engine and knocking my instrument from my mouth/ out of my hands. Sometimes she even bites my cheek. So to avoid possible dental damage and disfigurement I don't subject her to it very often. You'd think if it hurt her ears she'd run outside to get away, don't you? Another theory is she thinks I'm hurting when I do it. I can elicit a similar response by high pitched crying, and Curt's gotten it by whistling. Just freaky. But if Curt really wants me to start playing again he's going to have to provide better interference.

Friday, January 09, 2004

Cabin Fever

The weather's finally breaking a bit today. I actually chained up and went into work around 11:00. Came home around 5. Broke one chain on the way home. I'm not sure how bad - hope not enough to keep me home again tomorow. I hate to say it but it felt good to get out of the house and face the world. I know Curt would be happy as a clam homebound 24/7 so long as he had groceries and supplies. Not me. I wish I could say we had a wonderful little bonding experience being stuck together for the majority of the last week but I can't. I just couldn't help feeling antsy and restless, which didn't exactly make me a joy to cohabitate with. It was probably like being stuck with a surly child. No cable, no Netflix movie, no books... if it weren't for the computer I'd've gone nuts. I think he got frustrated with my reluctance to pass the time instead having deep philosophical conversations with him. At one point he specifically asked me to tell him about something "controversial" we could talk about. But ya' know, it just felt like I was being baited - kind of like he was bored and thought getting me all riled up on my soapbox like a performing monkey might be rather amusing; and I wasn't in the mood to beat my head against the wall explaining my seemingly annoying political/ historical beliefs to him. Besides which I'm kind of going through an apathetic phase myself right now where I'm more of the same "fuck 'em all - let's just nuke the bastards" frame of mind that he usually espouses and therefore was not in the mood to disgust myself talking about shit that's probably never going to change.

So we ended up talking about death instead. What we want in our wills, how we want to be buried/ burned, where to scatter the ashes. Pleasant, huh? So for some odd reason I'm feeling a little depressed tonight. There are other factors. You'd think most young newly-weds who were supposedly trying to have a baby would jump at the chance of getting some enforced alone time and never leave the bedroom. Nope. Once again I'm getting shot down every time I initiate sex and it's starting to get a little old. Curt seems to be having this irrational fear that all I want sex for is for his little swimmers. Sure, that's *one* of the reasons I'm asking but ya' know - a girl just wants an orgasm periodically, too. And some snuggle/intimate lovey-dovey time with her honey. What's so wrong with killing two birds with one stone??

We have very different ways of de-stressing and unwinding. I've got to shut down my brain with mindless entertainment. T.V., books, computer games. He hates these things. He enjoys sitting in front of a fire listening to music. Or talking. It would be OK if he would just let me do my thing while he did his... but he can't. If I partake of my favorite veg-out activities he feels like I'm abandoning him. He then complains that I'm ignoring, or worse yet - annoying him. So then I've got to give up my de-stressing to soothe him - which makes me feel resentful because *my* needs aren't being met. Then if he deigns to allow me to watch T.V., it can't be anything that *really* annoys him, no matter how much *I* want to see the stupid show. So this entire week I've had no outlet to relieve *my* stress, not even sex.

So I'm laying in bed tonight not being able to shut off my brain and decide to get up & take a Benadryl to help me sleep. I try to sneak out of bed, gently close the door so as not to disturb him, but them I'm fucking *forced* to wake him up by opening the hall closet door (outside the bedroom) because he got annoyed at my keeping all my meds in the fucking kitchen last week and in a pique threw them all in the closet. I hear a grumpy-ass "what the hell are you doing?" and you could probably see the steam coming out of my ears. He won't even remember in the morning.

It's like when we have spare time, we both have very different ideas about the best way to spend it - and that's where all the tension comes in. Then, it feels like I get punished for there being tension. I am denied sex. He makes sport of my emotions. I've been feeling like a caged animal this week and it doesn't help when he starts verbally "poking" me to get a fucking reaction. It's almost worse that I know he's not really serious when he does it, because it just seems to prove that *my* peace of mind is so trivial to him that he has no qualms using it as a plaything when he gets bored.

I'm probably blowing this way out of proportion but I'm needing to vent to try to figure out the problem. I don't know exactly what's wrong, but something is. When you get to the point where your initial reaction to anything the other person says is "Bite me!" something 's not quite right. He's an incredibly sweet, considerate and sensitive man in so many ways. So very thoughtful about all kinds of ways he can make me happy. Getting me a temporary hose and adaptor to fit on the sink so I can have a hot bath (our tub faucet is broken). Ordering me acne-treatment products from an infomercial. Sending sweet, cute little emails to me all day. It's just this one little area that worries me. Hopefully we'll find a way to compromise in the future without pissing one another off too much in the process.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

Thesaurus Drive for Local Media

Aside from a somewhat normal day yesterday we're still in lockdown. They were forecasting this really bad storm to come in starting Sun night. Ma Nature, however has her own schedule and we didn't get it until this morning. We got maybe 4 inches of snow since about 3 am, now the freezing rain is upon us. The Pineapple Express (progenitor of all good NW winter storms) is cranked up & running full bore, but right now it's hitting this stubborn arctic mass that's settled in the Portland area being judiciously re-enforced by a frigid supply line called The Columbia River Gorge.

Now if I was just able to accurately describe our chilly current events without ever using the word "cold" (as above) you'd think your professional journalism team might be able to do the same. But no. Casulaties of mass media, I suppose... you turn on the telly and every other word out of every journalists's mouth is "it's cold here"!! As evidenced by the handy-dandy thermometer they're clutching in glove-lined hands.

I was feeling a tad guilty for not even attempting to make it in to work this morning (I probably could have made it with chains) but was more concerned about the freezing rain with the evening commute. We really have no idea how long the icy shit is going to last before it turns to good ole, familiar rain. So I'm sitting here at home with Bolero cranked up on my stereo, Kittlin nestled behind me on the computer chair; Ozzie settled atop the shef, Jack hangin out either under the bed or in teh basement and Jinx & Cleo splitting their time between the fire and dining room, where they're supervising Curt's stuffing of envelopes. A nice cozy family day at home.

So far Curt & I have managed not to tear each others' throat out due to the enforced proximity. I guess that's a good sign. He really is something special, and I know I don't tell him that nearly enough.

Friday, January 02, 2004

Finally, Sight for Sore Eyes

I went to my free consultation at the K&M lasik clinic in Vancouver, WA this week. I'm really hoping the tech's annoying winking habit does not come with the package. They answered all my questions and put not a whit of high pressure on. Bottom line is $499/ eye. I missed the rock-botton $299/eye deal by .50 on my Rx. I asked him how a person's Rx increases their cost to allow them to justify charging more and the guy had no clue. Said it's the same procedure regardless - apparently they can just get away with charging the most to people who need it the most. Same old same ole' capitalist shit. But hey, at least they were honest about it. So I've scheduled the surgery for 2 weeks. If all goes well I won't have to wear these fucking dirty glasses for at least 10 years. Yay!!!

Had trouble sleeping last night. Things just seemed "wrong". Then I think I figured out what it was - the snow. We were in winter weather lockdown all day & I didn't go anywhere in the car; and there was no traffic going by on the road. It was freakishly quiet. We're to get more snow this weekend. Provided the weight doesn't bring down any trees or cause any structural damage to the house it's really quite nice. Curt & I aren't quite at each other's throats yet. The aminals love it. Kittlin finally figured out how to use the kitty door and goes out to play in it every hour or so then comes back in to crap out.