Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Headline Swaps

It might be time to take a sabbatical from my news addiction for awhile. I am once again at that point where everything I read is making me physically ill. But it’s a hard habit to break. So instead, I’m going to take a ride to the Land of MakeBelieve, take parts of some of the shittiest stories, do a little creative editing and voila! Create new stories that reflect reality as it should be.

Eugene Man pleads guilty to sexually abusing baby Actual news: “A man with the Internet screen name "naughtygrampa" pleaded guilty to charges he had sex with an infant girl and posted pictures of the activity over the Internet.” + Dog Bites Off N.M. Man's Genitals Actual news: “Man attacked while walking dog. Genitals were bitten off by pit bull”
Sally's Version: “Naughtygrampa intent on sexually abusing an infant girl has genitals bitten off by a pit bull* defending the child”.
= Sally's Version: "Unsafe Abortion Levels Drop with Frequent Ejaculation: Study shows, the more men masturbate instead of engaging in unprotected sex, the fewer women die from unsafe abortions and childbirth. The study also show a direct correlation between higher rates of masturbation and a sharp decline in STD & HIV rates. Former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Jocelyn Elders to embark on global educational tour. "

There. Much better, don’t you think?
*in my make-believe world, Pit Bulls never hurt children. Only soulless, scumsucking spawn of slugslime.
In other news, you still couldn't pay me to live in Florida. But if you're wanting to stormwatch virtually, my buddy MsBikinikiller at wankershanks will likely be offering timely commentary, just as she did with Charley. Though you think she'd be over taunting Mother Nature by now. I mean, don't you remember what happened to Lt. Dan in Forrest Gump when he challenged God?
I must confess, I have this morbid fascination with extreme weather. Probably because I sit here in the relatively tranquil Pacific Northwest where besides the *very* rare volcanic eruption/ earthquake and occassional winter storm/ flooding, we don't get a lot in the way of natural disasters. I'm a meteorological rubbernecker, I admit.

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