Friday, April 29, 2005

Friday Afternoon Trivia

Fridge Magnets: Via Flea (Damn you!)

And I’d been wondering what believers would make of the astrological coincidence of Pop John Paul being buried on the same day as a solar eclipse: Yep, it’s the end of the world apparently…. Doomsayers say Benedict Fits End of World Prophecy

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Feel Safer? World Terror Attacks Tripled in 2004.

Funny thing is, I’ve had this conversation with Shrub supporters. They counter that since there have not been any additional terror attacks on American soil since 9/11, yes indeedy, we *are* winning the “War on Terror” and they *do* feel safer. I guess if you’re an isolationist redneck who likely has no desire to travel outside your native state, let alone your native country this logic might work. You probably have a huge “Get U.S. Out of the UN!” sign on your lawn, too. Proving that once again, it’s OK for terrorists to kill all the *other* people in *other* countries they want so long as they are not homegrown white American civilian-type people.

Where's Batman when you need him?

The Penguin is sending his crazed disciples to attack America's airports! Via Clicked.

One more thing the Japanese do better than Americans. Imagine corporate/ political leaders actually taking personal responsibility when innocent people die. "Police investigating for possible professional negligence took away boxes of documents from the offices of West Japan Railway Co. (JR West). JR West President Takeshi Kakiuchi and two other executives are likely to resign to take responsibility for the disaster..."

The days of literally falling on one's sword as a matter of honor might be over, but the sentiment apparently lingers on culturally.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Just called Curt from work to see how he's doing. The Fry's got a cold and has been sneezing/coughing the last day or two & his breathing sounds snotty. Curt answers and the Fry's screaming unconsolably in the background. Curt says, "He's been doing this for 3 hours, nonstop. I've got diarrhea and stomach cramps and feel like shit. That's how our day is going."

I wasn't feeling at all guilty before about coming back to work but now I'm rolling in it. On the other hand, this will be as good a test as any of his commitment to being a stay at home Dad. Between this and finding out that adding the Fry to my insurance at work is going to cost us an additional $300/ month he may just change his mind. Don't know how I feel about that. I like having him at home and knowing our boy is being taken care of by one of the two people who love & cherish him the most in this world. And the cost of daycare would just about offset any income he'd be making if he went back to work anyway.....

Saturday, April 16, 2005

That sleeping through the night thing? Total fluke. But last night the Fry did sleep 5 1/2 hours so maybe we're headed in that direction. But I'll be quite happy with a 5 hour stretch if that's as good as it gets for awhile.

I go back to work on Monday... half days only for the first week. I'm ready, I think. I'm starting to go stir crazy here at home. I'll miss my baby boy but know Daddy will keep me updated throughout the day of every tear and possible smile. More regular blogging of the social and political commentary variety will probably resume at that time.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

101 non-sexual uses for a vibrator

#1: Breaking up clogged milk ducts in breastfeeding women. Seriously. Necessity is indeed the mother of invention and why not try a sex toy that's otherwise gathering dust in the nightstand for a couple more weeks? Warm shower, hot heating pad and then apply vibe to affected area and pump. After 2 days of a painful clog it was like a dam had burst. I'm debating whether or not to share this little gem with the lactation consultants. Somehow, I don't think the Christian one who couldn't even spell "Buddhist" correctly on our pre-admission forms under "religious preference" would be willing to pass it on to other mothers. So I'm sharing it here. Note to Flea: You know in Alabama and Texas how it's illegal to sell any device for the purpose of "genital stimulation"? I'm wondering if they consider boobs "genitals" and if it might be possible to sell sex toys in those states as breastfeeding aids, instead??? Just a thought.

I'm posting from my mother's house down at the Coast. I'm in a much happier state of mind since firing the lactation consultants (and finally being able to immerse myself in a hot tub. Oh heaven!!) . Or, to be more specific.... finally making peace with the idea that it's OK for me to bottlefeed whatever milk I can pump and supplment with formula for the rest. Ironically enough, I think my volume has gone up quite a bit as a result. I was dreading some kind of "nipple confusion!" lecture from the l.c.'s but didn't get it. I think my OB scared 'em a little bit when she called to discuss my teary breakdown in her office last week and to tell them that no, she won't prescribe a drug the FDA has banned (Domperidone). I'd pretty much decided not to try it anyway. As my R.N. mother said... it would be one thing if I were 19, but I'm 33 and getting to an age where possible coronary side effects should be a consideration, especially given my family history of heart disease. And the Reglan and probable depression and fatigue side-effects? No fucking way. My OB put me on Zoloft to combat the depression I'm already feeling. Though truth be told, I think forgiving myself for not being able to breastfeed exclusively for 6 months went a long way to accomplish that already.

The Fry is now 1 month old and doing great. He'd actually gained 9 oz. in 3 days when I went to my final l.c. appointment on Friday... so I know the bottle feeding + supplementing is working. He actually does go between the boob and the bottle pretty easily, with only the occassional need to be reminded of how the real thing works. We bought a baby scale off of Ebay anyway so we can continue to monitor his gain in any case. And it's great to be able to hand him to any of the other very willing hands in our life to feed so I can feel like I have a life of my own again. For instance, today we're going to an actual movie in the middle of the afternoon (prime cluster feeding time) and then maybe, just maybe going to the Indian casino to play a little blackjack while Gramma babysits.

Oh, and you'll never believe this!! He slept through the night last night. Well, from 10:30 until 5 am. Though I'm sure it's a fluke. He didn't really get a good nap all day yesterday... we think due to excitement of socializing with Gramma and friends of Gramma who came over to ooh and aah. So he was exhausted. If it happens again tonight I'll probably fall down on my knees in gratitude to whatever gods gave us such a wonderful baby!

Monday, April 04, 2005

Another disappointing visit to the lactation consultant today. The Fry only gained about 2.5 oz. this week. The minimum pediatricians like to see is something like 3.5 (average of 7). So bottomline... he's still not getting enough milk. And we're back to supplementing. I'm hoping it's a short term set back due to my illness this week (oh, and a clogged milk duct before that) but we'll see. Since we've reached the maximum dose of Fenugreek & Blessed Thistle without seeing enough benefit the next step is to consider prescription drugs. The preference of the l.c. is Domperidone which, unfortunately was recently banned in the U.S. by the FDA due to complications with its intravenous use in very sick patients. The lactation world however reports no such side effects when taken orally by bf-ing mothers. But tell the FDA that. Apparently you can still get it from compounding pharmacies or from overseas, however. The only FDA approved alternative is Reglan, which has known side effects in bf-ing women of severe depression and fatigue. I need any more of either right now about as much as I need another hole in the head. But I'm thinking of asking my OB at my 3 week check up tomorow to prescribe some anti-depressants, so that could offset the potential side effects of the Reglan should we decide to go that route. Anyway. Next l.c. appointment & weigh in is Friday and we'll decide then... after discussing with the pediatrician and O.B. In the meantime...... more nursing and pumping; pumping and nursing.


I know I shouldn't feel so bovine for dedicating myself to such a 'noble and worthy' cause, but I can't help it. I'm used to contributing to society (& the wellbeing of my family) mentally, not physically. And especially not by having something (whether infantile or mechanical) suck on the end of my tit for 8+ hours a day. It's a fulltime job and unfortunately, feeling that way. Not wonderous and joyful.... enforced and obligatory. And I know that's affecting my bonding with the Fry, which in turn feeds the depression. I don't like seeing him as a chore. I just want to bask in his incredibly alert & wide eyes, stroke his incredibly soft hair, kiss his little feet and snuggle up for some good long naps.
Just when I was starting to feel pretty good about this whole Mommy thing, and to feel pretty good physically I got nailed with a stomach bug this weekend. Ugh. Now I know why the RiverFry cries when he's soiled his Tidee Didees. But the worst is over, it appears and we're crossing every finger and toe hoping the Fry doesn't get it, too. I just hope the couple of doses of fenugreek that wouldn't stay down/in won't affect my milk supply too much.

Being ill has not helped my mental state, either however and may, just may have brought on some postpartum depression. I'm feeling numb. And at the same time, on the verge of tears - though over what I don't know. It takes every ounce of will I have to stay awake. Sure I'm a bit sleep-deprived so it's natural to crave the downy warm comfort of my bed, but it's more than that. You know that famous Dali painting of the melting clocks ("Persistence of Memory") ? It may be a bit cliche but that's how I feel. I've become obsessed with time... when was the last time I nursed, is it time to do it again? How much sleep have I gotten? When I do sleep I dream of digital clock images. 4:15..... 4:18...4:19 I wake up and only 5 minutes have gone by but I feel like I somehow lost an entire day, or two... or three. My entire life seems to have suddenly entered a strange dimension where time seems to simultaneously both accelerate and move at a crawl. It's just an endless routine of breastfeeding, pumping, diaper-changing and sleeping with a few hours of T.V. watching and baby consoling in between. I forget to eat. Forget to shower. I just feel soul-weary.

Mentally I was expected this but the reality is something else. When people said "this is the hardest thing you'll ever do, but it's so worth it!" I must have thought they were exaggerating. I mean - everybody has kids.. then they do it again and again. How hard could it be?

All I can say is, that "it's so worth it!" part better start kicking in soon!! And thank whatever powers that be for my wonderful husband. As bad as I think I've got it, I know I'm lucky to have such an incredibly supportive and helpful partner. Because all I *have* to do is breastfeed, and sleep, and change the occasional diaper. He takes care of just about everything else. If he only wouldn't hog the computer so much I might remember there's another world outside these four walls!

Speaking of which.... was I imagining it or was Wolfowitz seriously given the keys to the World Bank last week? WTF??? Please, oh please tell me it was a hallucination? On the other hand, I guess it may be better to have him someplace where he can only waste money and not human lives. Having him out of the Pentagon might be a very good thing. But the World Bank? Fuck.A.Duck.