Monday, April 04, 2005

Just when I was starting to feel pretty good about this whole Mommy thing, and to feel pretty good physically I got nailed with a stomach bug this weekend. Ugh. Now I know why the RiverFry cries when he's soiled his Tidee Didees. But the worst is over, it appears and we're crossing every finger and toe hoping the Fry doesn't get it, too. I just hope the couple of doses of fenugreek that wouldn't stay down/in won't affect my milk supply too much.

Being ill has not helped my mental state, either however and may, just may have brought on some postpartum depression. I'm feeling numb. And at the same time, on the verge of tears - though over what I don't know. It takes every ounce of will I have to stay awake. Sure I'm a bit sleep-deprived so it's natural to crave the downy warm comfort of my bed, but it's more than that. You know that famous Dali painting of the melting clocks ("Persistence of Memory") ? It may be a bit cliche but that's how I feel. I've become obsessed with time... when was the last time I nursed, is it time to do it again? How much sleep have I gotten? When I do sleep I dream of digital clock images. 4:15..... 4:18...4:19 I wake up and only 5 minutes have gone by but I feel like I somehow lost an entire day, or two... or three. My entire life seems to have suddenly entered a strange dimension where time seems to simultaneously both accelerate and move at a crawl. It's just an endless routine of breastfeeding, pumping, diaper-changing and sleeping with a few hours of T.V. watching and baby consoling in between. I forget to eat. Forget to shower. I just feel soul-weary.

Mentally I was expected this but the reality is something else. When people said "this is the hardest thing you'll ever do, but it's so worth it!" I must have thought they were exaggerating. I mean - everybody has kids.. then they do it again and again. How hard could it be?

All I can say is, that "it's so worth it!" part better start kicking in soon!! And thank whatever powers that be for my wonderful husband. As bad as I think I've got it, I know I'm lucky to have such an incredibly supportive and helpful partner. Because all I *have* to do is breastfeed, and sleep, and change the occasional diaper. He takes care of just about everything else. If he only wouldn't hog the computer so much I might remember there's another world outside these four walls!

Speaking of which.... was I imagining it or was Wolfowitz seriously given the keys to the World Bank last week? WTF??? Please, oh please tell me it was a hallucination? On the other hand, I guess it may be better to have him someplace where he can only waste money and not human lives. Having him out of the Pentagon might be a very good thing. But the World Bank? Fuck.A.Duck.

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