Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Prego Update

Just passing 24 weeks? So 6 months ? And the RiverFry has begun to move. And kick. And kick some more. Sometimes I swear he’s doing his best to imitate Michael Flatley in Lord of The Dance. Apparently the Irish side of his ancestry is making itself felt – jig and all. I have been forbidden, however from calling him the initial names that come to mind, such as “little shit”, “bastard” or “son of a bitch” (which would be sort of self-insulting… but anyhoo), let alone my favorite “fucker” when he breaks into this furious step-dancing on the inside of my uterus. Curt says he can hear me and might not take it in the affectionate tone I intend. He then reminds me that I’ve got 4 months left of this to look forward to. And his little limbs are only going to get bigger, and stronger. Right. Best not to piss the little bugger off.

As strange and freaky as it is to feel this alien doing backflips inside my gut, it’s pretty neat, too. My current favorite hobby is just sitting there with my hands on my belly waiting for him to move. Afterwards, after the initial “dammit! exclamation of surprise I kind of sit there in stunned silence and realize that A) I’m making a brand new human being! B) He’s going to have to come out, eventually. C) that will hurt – A LOT ; and D) afterwards our lives will not only never be the same again, I will become a glorified cow*. Obviously, I’m still adjusting to the idea. Getting more and more excited, but I don’t think reality will hit until I see his little scrunch face for the first time.

We did get a pretty nice picture of his profile at the big Ultrasound 3 weeks ago. Looks like the poor kid will get Curt's nose. As long as he doesn't get my sinuses I guess that's OK. I was going to post about it but it was the week before the election and, well… you know. Suffice it to say, it was one of the most excruciating experiences of my life. The Lifetime movies and such LIE I tell you! THEY LIE!!! All you see are these glorified happy parents staring googly-eyed at the fuzzy black and white picture on the screen. What they don’t tell you is, before you get there you have to drink about a gallon of water in a 2 hour period and then you CANNOT PEE. Even though your bladder is already under extreme pressure from the baby and internal organs all getting squished together**. I tell you people, the effort required to hold back that much urinary pressure is extraordinary. Going up the stairs, getting in and out of the car and walking to the office about killed me. It's not so easy to simultaneously walk and desperately cross your legs together, I tell you what. Makes you look/feel like a geisha, walking with these little minced steps. Then we had to wait for AN HOUR to see the ultrasound tech (yeah, I got there early. I was in PAIN!) who had to have been the most surly, tight-lipped and annoyed ultrasound tech on the planet. She said not a single word the entire time she did the 20 minute exam. Wouldn’t tell us what she was looking at, wouldn’t give us any indication if things were OK. Nada. Then she let us look at the Fry for maybe 2 ½ minutes, tops – whipped off a few pictures and that was it.

Disappointing, to say the least. And I felt like a total wimp. None of the other moms-to-be in the waiting room appeared to be on the verge of tears as I was, every muscle in their body rigid with the effort of controlling their bladder, perched on the edge of their chair terrified of peeing on the waiting room rug. And throughout the exam, I couldn't even get that excited about being able to see the littie fry's little fingers and toes. All I wanted was for it to be OVER so I could GO PEE! Please Maude, just let everything be OK*** so I can GO PEE!! How selfish is that?

Dammit, if I can’t handle a simple, supposedly painless ultrasound how in the hell am I going to handle actual labor? From an episode of Northern Exposure, I guess… 4 little words: “Give Me My Drugs!”. And I refuse to feel guilty about it. I’m sure I’ll be a maternity nurse’s worst nightmare. I total prima dona who thinks she’s the first woman to ever go through this. I know I’m not – it is somewhat reassuring to think that billions of other women have done it - multiple times – and lived. Of course, there are also the millions of women who didn’t . But I’m not focusing on them. That's the privelege of living in a 1st world country and having health benefits, I am very well aware – and incredibly thankful.

But the funny thing is, I do feel like a bit of a prima dona. I was actually feeling resentful at the grocery store the other day. Every other woman I saw was prego, too. Most very young. And their seeming indifference to their condition was a slap in the face. Other women get pregnant and it’s no big deal… but don’t you people understand? This is ME we’re talking about. This is a big fucking deal for me. I waited ALONG time to do this, and only after very careful thought and preparation. How can so many others seem to take it so lightly?

* Yes, I KNOW breastfeeding is a wonderful and natural experience to be cherished that endows the newborn and the mother with seemingly miraculous health benefits… blah blah blah. Yes, I’m going to do it for as long as possible. But I reserve the right to feel like a cow while doing it. So sue me.

** My bestfriend swears that in 3 pregnancies she never had to do this full bladder crap. Well just once, so almost never. And they still managed to get beautiful ultrasound images. Of course she went to a different clinic. I was told it was necessary because the bladder has to push the organs/ uterus up higher in the abdomen to get a good picture. OK – biomedical engineering people? Here’s a thought. Howzabout you fucking invent a) either a stronger ultrasound machine or b) some sort of sling to allow the mother to lay belly DOWN on the exam table with the ultrasound scanner pointed UP…. Then we can let ole’ gravity do the job that the full bladder thing supposedly does now. You’ll get right on that, won’t you? Before my next kid? How about I make YOU drink a gallon of water and not let you pee for 2 hours every day until you figure out a way to get around this barbaric necessity. You think that might get those creative juices flowing? Thank you very kindly…. Mustang Sally.

***Oh yeah, everything is OK. Baby looks normal. Placenta properly placed. So says my doc a week after the ultrasound. Though she did note he wouldn't stay still as she was trying to zero in on his heartbeat with the doppler. Yeah... I kind of knew that already. :)

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