Tuesday, February 07, 2006

How to Get More Sex From Your Wife

*UPDATED 8/11/08 Who knew this would be such a popular post? Just for you guys who try the following advice and still feel shafted (or not, as the case may be).. I've put together some recommended reading/viewing. MustangSally's Marital Recommendations.  Or hire your wife a housekeeping service for cripe's sake!

or.. "Blow Jobs for Bowl Jobs" . Now Here's some brilliant advice just in time for Valentine's Day.
"I will tell you how to have more sex immediately.
You will clean up the kitchen.

But I hate cleaning up the kitchen! Can't I just whine for some ass and get it?

No.

Awwww! Dammit!

Sorry. However, when you have finished cleaning the kitchen, you will have whatever you want sexually and you will have a clean kitchen, and that will make you The Richest Man in Bedford Falls, George Bailey.

I was recently reading the online ravings of a very depressed Internet friend who is entirely dissatisfied with her life, her marriage, and everything. She can barely get through the day. She's on Prozac. She feels worthless, sucked dry from raising her kids, unproductive. She asked her husband to clean up the kitchen one evening. "I'm too tired," he said.

Jackass, you walk right back in there and clean the kitchen. I don't care how tired you are. You clean the kitchen. If I can't convince you to clean the kitchen, and she can't convince you to clean the kitchen, then perhaps your dick will convince you to clean the kitchen.

Hey, wait a minute. Are you suggesting some kind of sex-for-cleaning exchange? Doesn't that kind of logic turn people into commodities?

No, I am not. See, here's the funny thing. Women want to have sex anyway. We like to do that stuff. And we want to have sex with a useful person who has cleaned a kitchen or otherwise contributed to the basic maintenance of the household (instead of sitting on the couch playing X-box and scratching himself). Because people who can clean kitchens are hot. People who cannot or will not clean kitchens are not hot.

Some kinds of attempts to initiate sex are not hot. I once had the terrible misfortune of living in a very crappy apartment in Boston with these tiny thin walls, and one day as I was reading somebody's Sunday Times--okay, it wasn't actually mine--I could hear the guy next door whining, "Oh, come on. It's my birthday, dammit." That is not hot. I was tempted to put down my coffee and pound on the wall: "Hey, man! That approach isn't going to work! Quit bugging her and go clean the kitchen!" When your partner is a mother and small people are always whining at her, that approach will keep you from having sex for an extended period of time. If you are lucky, she will hand you a piece of string cheese to shut you up. She will not fuck you. I repeat: She will not fuck you. By acting like a toddler, you have killed whatever passion still exists inside your woman. She might put you in time-out. She will treat you like a child because you are acting like one. She will say, "I'm sorry, but I can't understand you unless you use your big-kid voice."
Gentlemen, let me testify. Nothin' makes me reach for the silk teddy quicker than coming home to a clean kitchen. The sight of laundered underwear freshly folded by my sweetheart creams mine every time. My darling husband is a genius and figured this out himself a very long time ago. The man not only cleans my kitchen, takes care of the toddler, cleans the toilets and mends my clothes. Needless to say, he's usually the one telling ME "No, not tonight honey..."

25 comments:

MILF Creator said...

Awesome post! Every married guy in the world should read this TWICE!

It's been said that women are complicated...I don't think so.

I believe that people (men in this case) are so preoccupied with themselves, they don't realize that by thinking of the OTHER person for even a few minutes can return hours of bliss in exchange!

Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I pretty much do all the cleaning and cooking and take care of the kids when I get home until they go to bed.

Yet I get turned down for sex a lot too. So it's not foolproof. Maybe since I do that stuff all the time, it's not special.

But it seems like I have more of a timing problem: I'm too tired, I have to wake up early tomorrow, etc.

She NEVER initiates sex, but does seem to enjoy it when we do have sex. I even tried avoiding sex for a month to see if she would come after me. Nope.

I blame it on her depression meds.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, but it doesn't matter how much cleaning I do around the house or how much I watch the kids or how many weeks I "give her space"...... it is the same story over and over again:

We have sex when her planets seem to align.

It sucks, it is a control issue, and all she has to do is show up. I'm the dog waiting for the "treat" or the kick in the ribs.

It is bullshit.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with the previous poster. It does not matter how much I do or how nice I am. My wife NEVER initiates sex. Hell she doesn't even kiss me or give me a hing, EVER.

I honestly think some women just hate men. They want someone to go out and make money, buy a home, pay for the kids, etc.

BEFORE we were married I got all the sex I wanted. She would go down on me in the car, putting her hand down my pants in the park, etc. About a year after we were married she turned into a different person.

I really understand now why some huys never want to get married. They have this figured out.

Do women EVER think that HAVING sex or being sexy might actually MOTIVATE us to do what you want? You will NEVER hear a woman admit to that.

Mustang Sally said...

I'm no mariage counselor but here's what I do know. Forget what you think, or have been told - that "women" want or don't want - we are not the borg. You need to figure out what turns *your* individual woman on. Have you ever actually asked her?

Yes, depression meds can kill the sex drive. I've been there - and switched meds. But being depressed is just as big of a sex drive killer. And most married women - with kids are depressed. You do the math.

I think you're missing the point of the article. Whining for sex is a huge turn off. You're making sex just another chore she has to get done, with no hope of there being anything in it pleasurable or relaxing, or stress relieving for HER.

So it's late at night - the kids are in bed. She's dog-ass tired. What sounds better? One more hour of blissful sleep or a sweaty, hot, exhausting wrestling match that's only going to leave her sexually frustrated and resentful of you?

Orgasms are nature's great stress reliever - we like them. ALOT. But for us to get turned on enough to have one it's all mental. Not visual/physical like for men. Getting "in the mood" is everything for most women. And that starts with having a partner who initiates sex with HER pleasure in mind, not his. And it starts a long time before the clothes comes off.

It's corny - but YOU arrange to send the kids to a friend's house or Gramma's for the night. Draw her a bubble bath. Take her out to dinner, or order in Chinese. Light some candles, turn on some Mamma-molestin' music. Then make it all about her - not you.

Trust me, you'll get yours along the way. And in the future she'll be much more likely to initiate.

Mustang Sally said...

And the last guy - why did you marry your wife? Just because she slept with you? Or because you loved, honored and respected her above all other women and wanted to share a lifetime together - every part of that life, not just the sex?

If the former I really have no sympathy - you made your bargain, she made hers and maybe she got the better end of the "deal". That's what happens when you feel sex is something to be traded, or traded FOR and not the physical expression of profound, sacred emotional intimacy and committment.

If you do look at your wife as more than a legally bound fuckhole, however - and are truly interested in you both working *together* to meet BOTH of your emotional sexual needs, then you should be able to talk about it without sounding like a John who feels shortchanged by the town whore.

Anonymous said...

What a crock..... i am a man how all i hear is how she feels, what she wants and what it would take to make her orgasm..... #%^& crap it take to to be in a mariage. I am at home and i do the cleaning,cooking, pay bills and kids. So...? We went to a mariage counceller and she had us kicked out and we went to the church... same. What about the two way street, it takes two, pick one. She to has to put something into a relationship. If she is to be thinking of sex like us then give it up. If she wants it so bad then she should give it to reseave it.....

Anonymous said...

If your a man and take on that stereotypical demanding and insensitive approach to deserving sex because you provide or do certain chores, you have got it all wrong. Begging and whining about it doesn't help either. Take time to develope an intimate and playful relationship, where you touch and enjoy eachother without necessarily having sex as the ultimate goal. Try to be passionate and learn when to drop the issue, when you know it's not going to happen.

Nevertheless, I too feel fustrated when it has become the rule, more than the exception, that it happens ever 2 to 4 weeks, regardless of whether the last time, I gave her a mind-blowing experience, or not. She tells mw I am a great lover, father and provider. I'm an excellent cook and I take care of 75% of all household chores, including the majority of the time with the kids. I have known for a very long time that doing things for sex will get you nowhere! Maybe, it will work a few times, but then she'll use it against you by telling you that she also needs an emotional /mood for it to happen. It's not an automatic reward, even if she promises to do something "special", in return.

Women talk a lot of shit when it comes to how they portray themselves to others. You always get the comment from a woman saying that she would be more accomodating if her partner did more around the house or stimulated her more mentally. The truth is, women will always find some reason to feel down about themselves: whether about weight, shape, color, mental state, stress, work, etc, and the list can go on forever. This bothers them, lowers their libido and leaves the man constantly wondering what is wrong? "Ok, we can work on that together. Now come with me to the bedroom (or wherever) and let me give to some good loving.", is a similar, common response a caring man would give. That should do it, right?

Wrong! It doesn't matter what couple I have ever shared with, the summary is the same. Once your married, your sex life will become less frequent. The woman will always have a reason to decline your approach, whether it makes sense or not. Men are faced with a genetic curse called our balls. Women don't understand that the accumulation of sperm thrusts our desire into overdrive and that the actual release, after sex, satisfies us physically and mentally. The act, especially if she is into it, soothes our soul and opens up our communication and emotions. Notice how we become happy, joyful, productive, have a positive outlook, care more about our apprearances, feel proud and so much more when we feel sexually satisfied, verses when we are pushed away, neglected and frustrated?

There is no simple answer to this other than do your best to be an example of a real man to your woman. Taking enhancement drugs, getting a bigger dick or even buying her the world isn't gonna make it happen. The blue moon will have to come out, the planets will have to line up just right and it will happen when she feels like it. Otherwise, a mercy fuck, which sucks, is all your going to get.

Anonymous said...

This article misses the more-important points. If you married your girlfriend (the girl you wanted) there is no way seeing you bent over a toilet in rubber gloves is getting you laid.

Get back to treating her like your girl. Look at her like she's the most beautiful thing in the world the next time you see her.

Walk up to her and just kiss her - not the peck on the cheek BS, kiss her, until someone has to come up for air.

Compliment, compliment, compliment, not just to her, but about her to others (I guess that's bragging.. but who's counting).

Give her a break... 2-3 days off on a day trip that costs relatively little goes a lot longer than you'd think.

Initiate. If you have been the boyfriend, you've been the gentleman, press the issue.. literally. If you've been the man, be the man.

tbbaot said...

This might work for the guy who never lifted a finger around the house, but there are plenty of men doing the house work and they aren't getting much sex from the wife either. The truth is sex starts to dwindle after marriage for most men.

Anonymous said...

Well, I have been having some problems with sex in my marriagelife as well. I am a stay at home dad with two kids, not exactly my choice i would much rather be working but my wife made it very clear she did not want to be a stay at home mom. Anyways, as said above after some time being married the sex life seems to dwindle. I am always the one to initiate, i cook, i clean, i take care of the kids twenty-four seven. When she gets off of work i still watch the kids so she can wind down from a long day. I have tried the romantic bits, the bubble baths, the compliments. Yes those methods help with getting a one time card for sex. The problem lies with the fact that most woman believe the are goddesses or rather the most important thing godgave to earth. It should not be all about pleasing your woman, constatly trying to take careof her needs. The fact that with women its all about "me me me" is bull shit. I understan people change, but such big changes are apalling. I believe that maybe woman should stop being so damn self centered and think about their men once in a while. Is that so much to ask? "A lock that opens with any key is a bad lock"

Anonymous said...

WOW! You can really tell which "Anonymous" authors were women! A woman needs this, A woman needs that, Men don't understand, Men don't do, Men don't... If you think of your wife as a $&@# hole then.....

Oh come the #&$* on! Get off your high horses and admit the fact that you are using the institute of marriage to get what you want from it while doing as little as possible! You use men and throw them away when they want equal treatment.

All I can say is THANK GOD that the Divorce laws are FINALLY starting to catch up with the times and begining to realize that woman are just as responsible and capable as men....

Find someone you enjoy being with and enjoy it.

Anonymous said...

The divorce laws now allow men and women to use eachother as paycheques in the aftermath of a split relationship, even after the distribution of their matromonial goods. The divorce laws allow the person with the child to extort monies and actions from the person without custody, and allow the money to become the subject of separation, not the mutual improvement of relationships for any children. Dicorce laws now teach our children and the members of our communities that is okay to objectify eachother as either the good or bad parent, and that its okay to negatively affect the quality of someone elses life because its legal, not because its moral or ethical. Divorce laws should focus on improving the quality of our characters, make members of the relationship equal partners in raising the children, and should never discriminate based on income level. I am glad divorce laws are improving but they have a long way to go. I think its fair to say that in a relatinship, as well as a divorce, people should never be objectified based on what they do for the other person or for the relationship, and especially not for the money they bring to the table.
My partner loves me for who I am, and encourages me to put myself first as they know I always tend to put others first. A true partner should do that. I don't have a recipe for hot lovin, but I tell you what, I am gonna buy some kitchen cleaning products tonight.
GL everyone.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, sorry this blog is straight up wrong. My wife is a stay at home mom with two kids in school. 75% of the time she cooks and I clean the kitchen. The other 25% of the time I cook AND clean the kitchen. The rest of the house is kept up by everyone, we all pitch in. What it boils down to is that most women think of sex as something a man "just needs", which of course is compltely wrong, and therefore resent the very idea of it. Even though when they FINALLY break down after a couple of months and GRANT their man sex, they really appear to enjoy it (possibly even more than the man does). I have many friends who get the same treatment. All of us earn six figures, all of us pitch in from the time we get home from very stressful jobs, which most of us work at least 10 hours a day, to the time we go to bed and even though the kids are away at school for at least 6 hours, our wives are "too busy" and end up too tired at the end of the day. Married women simply resent the idea that their husbands want to have sex with them. It's simply a man's way of being intimate and connecting beyond the day to day with a personal connection that cannot be made any other way. I think any woman who uses sex as a tool / reward for getting housework out of their man should consider whether that's the kind of person they really want to be. Other women should lighten up and realize their man just wants to be intimate with them. If sex was all they wanted, there would be more adultery going on. Sex is a form of communication, an expression of love and affection. Today's women have made it so that men should be ashamed to want to have sex with their wife, or anyone else.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the above that its total bull shit when your wife never inciates sex. Its like they think just becasue were the guys we always have to make the move. its 2011 you women fought and fought for equality but when it comes to the bedroom alot of women are just to passive. All us guys want is for once in a while our women to grab us and just bang the shit out of us.

Anonymous said...

Guys...its real simple. The biggest turn off for a women is marriage. You commit to marriage and they automatically hate sex.

My first marriage ended after a few years. I followed all the advice in this column, I cleaned, I took care of the kids, I made good money and I treated my wife like an angel...in return I got pathetic sex and a wife whose constant mantra is "marriage and relationships are more than sex".

I divorced her over it...and guess what...once we were split...our sex life was great as ex's..she wanted it. She also wants to get remarried but Im not up for that. Why ruin my sex life, that an now I get multiple partners without anyone complaining about it..

MARRIAGE ruins sex, as every male post here is evidence of, and women just refuse to admit it.

robertcpharr said...

And they wonder why married men have affairs. It's cause a girl gave a man attention.

Anonymous said...

HELLO ALL. I AM A MAN BEEN MARRIED ALMOST THREE YEARS. I LOVE MY WIFE AND SHE LOVES ME AS TO MY KNOWLEDGE. THE SEX THING IS BECOMING AN ISSUE DOWN TO MAYBE TWICE A MONTH TOPS OF ME ALMOST KILLING MYSELF TO HAVE IT. HALF IS I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION IS SCHEDULING... SHE WORKS OVER NIGHT AND I WORK 2 JOBS SO THAT IS BEYOND THE SHADOW OF A DOUBT PART OF THE PROBLEM. BUT I DO AGREE WITH SOME OF THE ARTICLE THE RELATIONSHIP AND HOUSEWORK SHOULD ALL BE WORKED OUT TOGETHER HOWEVER WHILE I AM NAILING DOWN TWO JOBS AND SPEND EASILY OVER 55 HOURS A WEEK GONE AND ONLY ONE DAY OFF ITS KIND OF DIFFICULT TO GET SHIT ELSE DONE. I STILL MANAGE TO FIND THE TIME TO MOW THE LAWN TAKE CARE OF THE PETS WE HAVE CLEAN THE DAMN KITCHEN MAKE COFFEE AND DIVY OUT BACK RUBS ALMOST ON COMMAND. I AM VERY GOOD TO MY WIFE AND SHE TO ME MINUS OBVIOUS SLOPES IN THE SEXUAL RUNWAY. SO MY INQUIRY TO THE AUTHOR OF THIS ARTICLE IS WHAT THE HELL KIND OF ADVISE DO YOU HAVE FOR ME? I REALLY CANT DO MUCH ELSE NOW CAN I? WE HAVE NO KIDS SO THATS NOT A FACTOR. ITS GOTTEN TO THE POINT THAT I CAN JUST LOOK AT HER AND TELL HER THAT SHES NOT INTERESTED BECAUSE OF THE AMOUNT OF REJECTION. IN ALL HONESTY WHO EVER YOU ARE YOUR IDEA IS GREAT AND EVERYTHING BUT JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER SCIENTIFIC THEORY ON THIS PLANET... ITS JUST A THEORY.

Anonymous said...

I do almost all of the cooking and cleaning, pay all of the bills, regularly pick my wife wildflowers when in season, etc. I can count on one hand the amount of sex I've had in the past three years. All of this sex has been very brief missionary and ends in "I don't want to orgasm anymore, can't you just cum?" while she lays there passionless. Often I have to finish myself off. I have not had sex in the year 2011 and I don't know if I can avoid suicide much longer.

Anonymous said...

WOW... I have no words... Each line I read, is like looking in a mirror. I feel now like I am not the only one in the world.

Yeah you can tell which comments are from women.

I knew all that theory since many years ago: "Treat her like your girlfriend", "initiate romance", "make her feel appreciated and beautiful", and by the way, now that I am used to clean the kitchen, I get complains if I do something wrong or different.

I waited the whole %#$ week for sex. It happens that my sister's flight was delayed. My wife OFERED herelf to take her to the airport and drive at 10 pm two hours. It was not necessary at the end, but when I wanted to start sex at 9 pm that night, she was too tired for that. WTF???

I was like...... Is this happening to me again over and over ???

I feel like a combination of sadness, rage, dissapointment while my balls want to explode. You guys might know what I'm saying.

Anonymous said...

I think this is possibly a dead post by now, but I'm reading it like I'm in a room full of peers and it's so alive to me. We have a 3 1/2 month old and I am finding myself realizing the grief of feeling "trapped" in marriage with sex turning into a prize at the end of a shifting labrynth.

I'm going to try some of the advice --- clean more, get in shape, I am going to start wearing cologne, stop asking for it, and "being the man" overall and treat her more like my girlfriend again. But it's so funny, inside - I am so pissed at the situation. I can't help but saying WTF in my mind everytime I feel like I'm hitting a deadend. I think one mistake I have made is that I have allowed the truth to be too evident that she can be in "whatever" shape and I will "want it". She rarely dresses up, manicures, waxes etc. I'm going full on --- I will attract her, but this time, wait for her to start working on attracting me before I get back into it with her.

And let porn be my armor until then.

Anonymous said...

I happened across this post. Bullshit. I for am calling this for what it is. Women use sex as a weapon or a carrot and expect men to behave by their controlling the keys to the sex. Bullshit! Next time you want the kitchen cleaned you do it. In my house I do all of the cooking, most of the house management and work a 60 hour a week job pulling in $150k a year. My wife works taking care of the kids and their school and that's it. What do I get for sex? Try less than 24 times in 4 years.

Anonymous said...

This is the biggest croc of bullshit I've ever read...I now feel dumber, thanks.

Anonymous said...

yeah this is bullshit. "clean the kitchen" has yet to get me any sex. women just don't like the idea of giving the gift of sex to their partner, no matter how much he does for her, unless *she* is in the mood (about 4 times per year, and only after she reads a hot romance novel). Excepting a guy to get her in the mood is crazy. She has to do that on her own. But I do agree if the guy is a deadbeat, it will cut those 4 times per year to 0.

Stephanie Robleto said...

I'm a married woman of over five years and I believe that women do want to have great meaningful sex with their husband! I would love some help around the house but my hub's works outside in 105 degree heat for over 50 hours a week and its not fair to ask him to do that much when he gets home. We however have found that although my sex drive is strong I am fickle if I can't remember how good my last O was I'll be more inclined to brush off my hub´s sexual advances. So next time you get intimate with your wife do the best you can to give her a memorable O and don't let her forget it. I believe that pleasurable experience becomes a habit of yes lets do it or a habit of no not tonight.