Beware Dads Bearing Gifts: May Be Hazardous To Your Health

My poor, darling, dysfunctional Dad did it again. A few weeks ago he moved his sailboat up to the St. Helens marina - and told us that there was a pile of free wood by the marina parking lot. This weekend he said it was still there and was kind enough to loan us the Bronco and his chain saw to go get it. He said it was river logs - the kind of stuff he used to fish out of the river and burn on the houseboat all the time. He warned us it might have metal spikes in it, so to be careful.... We drive all the way out there on Saturday, find the stuff and start sawing it into manageable chunks and throwing it in the back. There were metal spikes and staples in some of it - we avoided it. But they were clearly old pilings and wood that had been ripped up from a dock. On the way home I mention to Curt how bad the tar smells - I ask if he thinks it's OK to burn the tar... he says sure, no problem and I think "Dad said this is the same stuff he used to burn... he wouldn't suggest I burn anything toxic..." and put it out of my mind. I should fucking know better by now, because today Pop calls to ask how the wood is burning.

Me: "We burned a log last night. Burns kind of slow but good"

Dad: "well yeah, it's waterlogged"

Me: "I know - but Curt says the tar will counter the water - tar burns fast, water slows it down...."

Dad: "Wait - there's tar on it?"

Me: "Well yeah - the logs look like they were soaked in it - it reaked on the way home"

Dad: "That's not tar... it's creosote! But there shouldn't be any creosote on it unless they're pilings or something"

Me: "Well yeah, Dad they *were* pilings - obviously so. Metal spikes just like you said. Didn't you check it out before telling us about it?"

Dad: "Oh shit! I didn't know they were old pilings! Obviously I didn't look at it closely enough... I didn't think about it. If I'd have known they were pilings I'd have never had you go get it! You can't burn that! Creosote is cancerous!"

Me: "Gee, thanks, pop! So you think that might explain why this great free wood was still sitting there 3 weeks later, especially in a rural town like St. Helens where everybody heats with wood?"

Dad: "Yeah, I thought it was kind of odd. I didn't think about that... I guess I just wan't thinking. I thought it was a lot of that driftwood that just floats down the river. I'll find you guys some more wood to replace it. I don't want you burning that".

Curt was at first skeptical - did not want to look free wood in the mouth. But the above website convinced him we shouldn't burn it. I called a guy at the state DEQ's special woodstove dept. just to be sure. Amazingly enough in this day of budget cuts I actually got ahold of a real, live knowledgeable PERSON within 5 minutes!!! who told me that yeah, it's toxic though there is a chance it *might* be safe depending on the saturation density and temperateure it's burning at.... but he would treat it like hazardous waste.

I love my father but honest to Pete *every* single time he tries to help he ends up fucking up! It was the same with the wedding photos. If I had a buck for every time I heard him yell at my brother Ty that "You're just not thinking, kid!" when we were children I'd be a rich woman - and the irony fucking kills me. It's obviously genetic - Dad NEVER thinks things through before he jumps in with both feet. Doesn't think about how his actions will make people feel, or what he's committing you to without your approval, or what the consequences are going to be. He's like a lost little puppy that's so damned HAPPY to be of service that he pisses all over himself in the process.

He's offered to help around the house with some plumbing and electrical projects we need done - and damned if I'm not scared to death he's going to burn the house down or flood it in his eagerness. But helping makes him so happy!

We were both feeling a little ill last night - exhaustion and soreness and congestion. I'm wondering now if it was the wood we burned and not just a bug. Maude save us from relatives with good intentions.....