Burning bridges over troubles waters

I'm having a bad night. For some reason I'm back on the fucking mental tilt-a-whirl about the whole job thing. I don't know what triggered it tonight - I stayed up late, watching late night TV and thought I'd be able to nod off easily, but instead I started re-hashing the whole "what did I do wrong?" shit. Next thing I know I'm choking back sobs, trying not to wake up Curt - so I slipped out of bed and thought I'd try to work it out on paper.

I feel so fucking betrayed, is what it is. I wonder - was it just the last emotional argument I had with Shelly or had they been displeased with me since before fucking November, when the first indication of something wrong came up - but were just too chickenshit to be honest with me? Then I catch myself going down the same path again and again and get pissed with myself for letting this whole thing rule my brainwaves. I give myself the same sorry advice I've given countless others: don't let the assholes have this kind of power over you - the power to affect your peace of mind. They're not worthy of that sacrifice on your part. You have the power to choose who has that kind of control over your emotions. I get angry at myself for letting myself imagine some sort of sisterhood, some kind of bond of camaraderie that obviously wasn't there. But then I start thinking about *why* they're not worthy - why they're such chickenshits - and off I go again, wasting more energy reliving what *exactly* makes them so unworthy, and the playback starts all over again.

Was I wrong to stand up for myself back in November? Was I wrong when I tried to take full control for this last, big project as every piece of career advice I've ever read suggests, as the best way to get ahead? They all said the only way to get noticed by the boss' boss is to take on a high profile project and make it a huge success. I'm beginning to suspect maybe Jan and Shelly read the same advice.... and weren't about to let me get that kind of visibility. What truly sucketh is I had pretty much already decided I didn't want either of their jobs. I just wanted to keep my job for another 6 months and see this project complete so I could put it on my resume. Take those formal programming classes on the company dollar that I'd put off doing so far. Then I'd have happily trundled on my merry way.

I guess that's what I'm really bitter about. It wasn't my decision. It wasn't on my terms. They weren't mature or brave enough to be honest with me so we could have parted ways in a manner that wouldn't make me have to swallow my fucking pride fighting the urge to burn that bridge in a fiery inferno, as I so desperately want to do to assuage my wounded ego. I'll never know exactly what I did wrong there - where did I fuck up? Because I don't know that I'd do it any different if I had to do it all over again.