Maude, my life is boring

- compared to the adventures of an English lass named Fiona who is working for a contractor in Iraq.

Ready! Set! Blog!

I just realized I've got like 5 minutes alone with nobody else in my little cubehood - time for a quickie. It's gorgeous here today. Mid 70's - all the tulips are in bloom and everything else is bustin' out all over. Curt got off early and came for a quick walk along the river. the Fisherpeople were out fishin and the ducks/ geese were gettin' it on (not sure which, but there was a lot of honkin' goin' on). You could see both Mt. St. Helens and Mt. Hood in all their snowcapped brialliance. I'm really liking my new digs.

My initial plan to wallow in menstrual, baby-less depression and crawl under the covers, not coming out until it was time to go to work on Monday was foiled by the nice weather. Besides one ass-chafing trip to Winco for our semiannual canned goods & meat stock up it was pretty nice. Note to self - NEVER AGAIN go to Winco on a Saturday afternoon. You used to be smart - you used to go after 10:00 pm. At least it wasn't raining this time.

Any Idiot can get pregnant

But apparently not this one. Say hello to little Aunt Flo. :(

5:00 and still no Flo

5:00 and still no Flo. Not that I'm anxious or anything. Or drinking tons of fluids so I have to pee every 20 minutes so I can check, or anything equally neurotic like that.

In other news, I'm checking out this place - just in case: Andaluz Waterbirth Ctr.

Gestatory Limbo

*ahem* Ok - don't panic, don't get too excited here, but maybe, just maybe, quite possibly one of Curt's swimmers *may* have triumphantly crossed the finish line last month. Fuckin' piss-on-a-stick test still says no, but Aunt Flo's over a week late and she's never been that late before. Never. Ever. She likes my Chicken & Dumplin's too much to miss dinner, I swear. So something must have happened to her in transit. Of course, we all no how much success I had with the ovulatory versions of the piss-on-a-stick tests so that might account for it. Though, come to think of it... if I *were* knocked up right before I began those tests they'd have come out negatory anyway, right? But if so then I'd surely be far along enough for the EPT to work?? Or maybe it happened during the 4th week of my cycle and it's still too early to show up???... The boobs are tender and I *might* be a little more tired than usual but aside from that, I'm not experiencing any other symptoms. In any event, time will tell.

I'd go to the ob/gyno to have them confirm (though I think they just have more expensive pisstests that aren't any more sensitive than the OTC ones) but I'm still in a bit of insurance limbo. My benefits won't kick in for another 2 months - Curt's tried to get me on his and we don't know if I'm covered or not. I should definitely be after the 1st. So I might as well give it a week and see what happens. I'll just abstain from the alcohol consumption and other prego "no-no's" until then, just to be on the safe side.

Of course, it could be what with the stress of starting a new job, and my wanting a baby so bad maybe I've subconsciouisly talked myself into a fake pregnancy? Stranger things have happened. In any event, I'm also not experiencing any symptoms of the premenstruel variety (besides aforementioned boob tenderness), either (like cramps and mood swings) which typically presage Flo's arrival.... so, WTF?

Lunch from Hell

Have you ever had fire extinguisher go off in your car while driving? I can now say that I have! Woohoo!!! Not as much fun as you'd think. Dad's borrowed full-size Bronco, extinguisher rolling around loose in the back... sudden stop in traffic and... you get the picture. I managed to pull over and get the pin back in but it wouldn't stay. Eventually had to crawl back there and tie it upright to some heavy box full of emergency auto gear (flares, rope, whathaveyou). Did I ever mention one of my biggest irrational fears is of chemicals getting thrown together in the back of a truck and causing a lethal reaction or worse yet, causing an explosion? Yeah, laugh all you want but that's exactly what happened to some poor family on the way home from the beach here in Oregon a few years back. Two out of the 3 kids burned alive while their parents could do nothing to get them out of the backseat (the fire was too hot). The same old bleach/ baking soda? reaction I think that was on CHiPS a long time ago. Bleach and some other common household item, anyway - stuff you'd commonly pick up at the store together.

Needless to say, I'm pretty damned thankful it was just a fire extinguisher.

Peeing on a Stick is Harder than you'd think!

Bad blogger! Bad, bad blogger! Guess I won't be winning any awards any time soon for most consistent posts. In my defense, I've had quite a bit on my mind lately - and not much time to blog with the new job. I'm trying to keep my image squeaky clean for at least a few months so don't expect me to update as regularly as before. Yeah, I know - I *could* blog on my own damned time but by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is get on the computer some more. But I'll try.

So how's the new job, you ask? Pretty nifty, if I dosaysomyself! The first project they gave me really has me stretching myself intellectually - to the point where by the end of the day I've got major brain drain goin' on. The people are nice. I work with three other guys in the IT dept. and then our boss, the VP (of what, I'm still not sure). Hours are good - we're expected to be in "sometime between 8 and 8:30" and work until the job is done. Though without a key yet I can't stay much later than 5:30. Even then, the commute is a breeze - 25 minutes tops. It's 15 with no traffic at all. And I love the part of town I'm in! The office is right down by the river - the Greenway trail is just across a railroad track and small parking lot from the door right outside my cube. I've been trying to take short little walks every afternoon to ease the cramp in my ass from sitting so long. And wonder of wonder... there are windows!!! If I lean back in my chair I can see 'em. If you overlook the dumpsters it's quite a nice little view, and they let in tons of natural light, which I can feel already improving my mood. There are all kinds of nice restaurants and shops in the immediate vicinity - all with parking.

So all things considered, I'm pretty damned happy. I like the work, the company, the culture, the people and the money. I'd almost send my old boss a thank you note if it weren't for the principal of the damned thing. I'm still dying to hear how they're coping without me.... I'm petty enough to want to know that they're struggling. Maybe I should be glad I don't know, though - what if they're doing even better without me? That'd bite the big one. Maybe I should just be glad that my new job's keeping my mind so occupied I'm not obsessing about the old one anymore. For that at least, I'm very thankful.

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In other news, I have yet to get knocked up, despite increased efforts to get me in that condition. This month we tried using one of those "ClearBlueEasy" ovulation detection kits. Easy my ass! Apparently it requires a *certain* amount of urine to work correctly. Twice I *though* I'd peed on it for the requisite 5 seconds, but apparently I'm better at peeing on my hand than on the stick it's holding, because I couldn't even get the reference line to show up after hours, let alone the specified 10 minutes. Of course, it might help not to lose the instructions next time. According to the woman on the end of the 800 help-line, there's a second method where you pee in a cup and stir it with the stick that might be a tad more effective. You can tell a man designed these fucking things - what woman could control her stream of urine well enough to make it accurate?

Happy Birthday To Me...

What a great birthday present! That's right, I finally got myself a job offer yesterday. I'm thrilled - especially as I'll be making quite a bit more $$ than my previous job, and doing about the same thing. The office is down overlooking the river, almost to downtown. So the commute is easy. Good stable company - they're publically traded and have been in business for 15 years at least. They do Human Resource outsourcing - everything from temp and employment placing to "PEO" (still not sure what that stands for) which is where they 'co-employ' a client's employees and take over everything from payroll to worker's comp to benefits management. They've got about 45 branches - mostly on the West Coast but a dozen or so on the East Coast as well.

Third interview's a charm, I guess! I was pretty proud of myself - I asked for $2k more than I really wanted to sart and they offered me exactly what I was shooting for. I start on Tuesday. But now the Rodney Dangerfield syndrome's setting in - you know, the feeling that there's gotta be something wrong with them if they want to hire me?

Hormones and such

Flea had a great entry about PMS yesterday. It seems like such a silly topic to me somehow . Don't know why that is, really - it *is* a serious condition that can seriously impact the quality of every woman's life (and her family's). But at the same time we women get so pissed when our emotions are so easily dismissed as hormonal in cause that we tend to trivialize that impact.

One of the hardest things about my getting fired is remembering that awful morning with the hatchet squad - all women, all supposedly "sisters" and sleep-deprived and emotionally spent me, totally speechless and empty, defending my emotional outburst of the day before on the bad PMS I'd been getting since coming off b/c. It was my one parting shot, my "last words" and I couldn't come up with anything more grandiose than "it was the PMS". Maude, how pathetic. How unprofessional! But honestly - I'm sure that was it.... so why not own up to it? How else am I supposed to figure out how to not let my hormones control my life except by recognizing it for what it is?

Road Trip!!

Has already come and gone.... but it was lovely while it lasted. We went to the enchanting little Victorian town of Port Townsend up on the Olympic Peninsula over VD Weekend to check out this little house & shack on 2 lots an old family friend of Curt's is offering to sell us at a killer deal... and carry the contract! There are renters in both houses now. The main house is on the national historic register. A small fixer-upper... there'd be room for 3 bedrooms (4 if you included the parlor), with lots of neat architectural interest.... and it might have even made a decent small B&B at some point. But. But, but, but. The current owner would want us to get financing within a year or two so she could get her equity out of it and there's just no way we can do that right now... I'm unemployed and we couldn't get enough rent out of either property to cover the mortgage. The rental market just isn't high enough. And it needs a new roof.... and would need lots of other fixing up... and insurance and taxes... blah blah blah. ***Sigh***. So no go... it just wouldn't make sense unless we were going to move in it ourselves. And I'm not quite ready to relocate.

Friday night we stayed in a wonderful little bed & breakfast and had a late romantic dinner at a local cafe. Which was a good thing because up until then we were both a bit grouchy. We'd missed the turn off from the main hwy to P.T. and ended up going 40 miles out of our way... but in the end it was worth it. Saturday after checking out the property (and scaring the tenants in the process with our lurking) we went on to Port Angeles and stayed the night with my aunt and uncle. Though their saggy uncomfortable guest bed didn't hold a candle to the feather & down dreaminess of the B&B bed; the company was delightful and we had a wonderful visit.

Back home to reality... Jinx hadn't missed us a bit. Our friends S&M had puppysat and they have a slightly stupid and clumsy (but still endearing) Golden Lab male that's only about 6 months older than our pooper pupper. They're best of buddies, though. We were planning to breed them once upon a time in an attempt to create some Chocolate Lab puppies... until his *ahem* not so desireable genetic traits became apparent. He's not too bright, for one. Doesn't even fetch... and he's a Lab!! And he's got some kind of "collapse" syndrome where he just passes out in the middle of running. And bad hips, I think. I'm feeling very snobby but the truth of the matter is he's just *not* good enough for our perfect little girl :)

I got an in-person interview last Friday with the software company I had the phone interview with last week. I'm pretty sure I blew it. Maybe sabotaged it in a not-so subconscious way. I told them the travel wouldn't be a problem, but I think it would. I'd miss my aminals and my honey too much. I got a bad vibe off the one woman who would be my boss - I don't think she liked me very much. And from the looks of the visitor sign-in sheet, there were about a dozen or so interviews before me. But hell, that probably means I'll get an offer. They said they'd call me one way or the other this week.

I'd much prefer this other job I interviewed for last Wednesday. The phone interview went well and on the in-person interview I met with 3 men - the finance manager (who I'd report to); the IT manager (who would handle the hardware side of things, but who I wouldn't report to which would be refreshing) and the General Manager (or President) of the company. Usually they don't waste that kind of time on someone unless they're seriously considering them. I thought all three interviews went rather well and was pretty confident afterwards; but they said they'd call me one way or the other by last Friday and there's still been no word. So I'm about to give up all hope of getting it. It's sad to say but one reason I kind of liked the idea was the fact that I would be reporting to and working most closely with men. I know it's sexist as all hell but the last job with Jan & Shelly just really left a bad stink in my mouth. Sisterhood is all well & good until one sister is deemed a thread by another.... then watch the fuck out! It's like woman feel the need to put on this "cooperative" face; but then when the reality of competition comes along, it's every woman for herself. Which would be fine - I can respect that. If they'd just be fucking honest about it. Men on the other hand can seem to compete against one another (and against women) and still be friendly about it - and most of all, honest. Maybe it's just that I find working with men much simpler, and easier. I know how devious a woman can be - I'm a perfect example!

Burning bridges over troubles waters

I'm having a bad night. For some reason I'm back on the fucking mental tilt-a-whirl about the whole job thing. I don't know what triggered it tonight - I stayed up late, watching late night TV and thought I'd be able to nod off easily, but instead I started re-hashing the whole "what did I do wrong?" shit. Next thing I know I'm choking back sobs, trying not to wake up Curt - so I slipped out of bed and thought I'd try to work it out on paper.

I feel so fucking betrayed, is what it is. I wonder - was it just the last emotional argument I had with Shelly or had they been displeased with me since before fucking November, when the first indication of something wrong came up - but were just too chickenshit to be honest with me? Then I catch myself going down the same path again and again and get pissed with myself for letting this whole thing rule my brainwaves. I give myself the same sorry advice I've given countless others: don't let the assholes have this kind of power over you - the power to affect your peace of mind. They're not worthy of that sacrifice on your part. You have the power to choose who has that kind of control over your emotions. I get angry at myself for letting myself imagine some sort of sisterhood, some kind of bond of camaraderie that obviously wasn't there. But then I start thinking about *why* they're not worthy - why they're such chickenshits - and off I go again, wasting more energy reliving what *exactly* makes them so unworthy, and the playback starts all over again.

Was I wrong to stand up for myself back in November? Was I wrong when I tried to take full control for this last, big project as every piece of career advice I've ever read suggests, as the best way to get ahead? They all said the only way to get noticed by the boss' boss is to take on a high profile project and make it a huge success. I'm beginning to suspect maybe Jan and Shelly read the same advice.... and weren't about to let me get that kind of visibility. What truly sucketh is I had pretty much already decided I didn't want either of their jobs. I just wanted to keep my job for another 6 months and see this project complete so I could put it on my resume. Take those formal programming classes on the company dollar that I'd put off doing so far. Then I'd have happily trundled on my merry way.

I guess that's what I'm really bitter about. It wasn't my decision. It wasn't on my terms. They weren't mature or brave enough to be honest with me so we could have parted ways in a manner that wouldn't make me have to swallow my fucking pride fighting the urge to burn that bridge in a fiery inferno, as I so desperately want to do to assuage my wounded ego. I'll never know exactly what I did wrong there - where did I fuck up? Because I don't know that I'd do it any different if I had to do it all over again.

Dance of the Seven Scarves

Well, the short term contract didn't pan out. They wanted someone with experience in a specific accounting program that I, of course am unfamiliar with. But the phone interview with the software company yesterday went well, I think. I felt good about it, anyway - which probably means I won't get it :( They said they'd let me know by mid of next week.

In any event, I'm taking that old saying "dress like you've got the job you want, not the job you've got" to heart and prettying myself up a bit. Especially as this job basically entails meeting with clients - so my favorite slouchy sweater and fur-encrusted black leggings look isn't going to fly. I'm actually kind of enjoying shopping for girly stuff - interview outfits, etc. I still refuse to wear skirts, but after accepting that with my big shoulders my favorite austere "professional" wardrobe of black jackets on black pants makes me look overly masculine - I'm embracing accessories. Thanks to Curt's family who have bought me cheap jewlery the last couple of years for Christmas (not knowing I usually don't wear any) I've got a few trinkets, but I my scarf collection was woefully lacking and I do love my pretty pieces of fabric (in moderation). So I bought about a dozen or so lovelies... some at a discount Ross type store, some at the local Value Village.

Nothing to see here....

Really, I'm not intending this to become a weekly blog - it's just sort of become that since I'm not working. Used to be I'd blog to give my brain a rest at work, but now, if I'm on the computer it's to check email or apply for job postings, or to play games :) Things are beginning to look really good on the job front. I've gotten several nibbles in the last couple of days which is re-affirming. One came from a referral from my old boss before Jan - it appears Jan had told her I was "laid off" and she recommended me to an accounting staffing agency. They don't normally deal with technical jobs but happened to have a short 2 - 4 weeker developing reports that I might work in. I'm waiting to hear if their client liked my resume. Then, they passed on my resume to an actual technical staffing agency they partner with who called me today. They have several Business Systems Analyst positions coming in lately and think I would be a great candidate for some of them after I re-format my resume a little. I really do like working with headhunters when I can. It's nice to get some objective, 3rd party feedback on your resume & experience - what your strengths and weeknesses are. And finally, I've got a phone interview tomorow with a software company that I applied to on Monster. So things are looking good.

it's singalong time!

Mom used to tell me how much I adored Mr. Roger's. I used to sit in front of the TV and reply to him just like he was sitting in my living room. Since I've been off I've become re-acquainted with my old crush. Today on his show I learned how they make toothbrushes!!! When Curt wasn't working he at least had regular M*A*S*H re-runs to keep him sane. Since we've cancelled the cable I don't have that luxury. I actually caught myself watching Barny for more than 30 seconds yesterday. On the one hand, it's kind of nice re-discovering my inner child. I actually found myself singing a little song I remember from my girlhood to Curt as a lullaby last night:

"I'm a little pile of tin,
Nobody knows what shape I'm in.
I'm no Chevy & I'm no Ford
Just 4 wheels & a running board
Honk, honk rattle rattle rattle rattle crash, beep beep
Honk, Honk! Rattle, rattle, rattle, crash beep beep!"

(Don't forget appropriate hand gestures on last 2 lines)
Which was just *so* much fun I dreamed up two other risque verses while I was drifting off:

"I'm a little pile of shit,
Nobody has a place to sit.
Driver's seat is a rusty door
Everyone else sits on the floor"
Chorus

"I'm a little pile of crap,
no seat belts, not shoulder or lap.
Windows sealed and doors weld shut
If we crash now nothing can save our butt!"
Chorus

What do you think? Maybe I could start my own children's show! On 2nd thought, maybe not. One thing's certain. If I don't get another job for months I'm in serious trouble.

Finally, the Grisly Detail

Sorry I haven't written more details before now, but my brain's been stuck on this nauseating tilt-a-whirl of "what if'", "I wonder..."; and " "Maybe I should.." thoughts since my incident with Shelly that had my head spinning so damned much I couldn't sleep. Part of the shock of getting fired was I'd actually called in that morning saying I'd be late so I could get a couple hours of sleep - I'd had none. I'm sure that didn't have anything to do with me getting fired though; and in hindsight I'm kind of glad I made the hatchet crew wait on me. I hope they sat all morning trying to justify their stupidity, agonizing over whether or not they'd done the right thing; and generally feeling shitty for betraying a supposed 'Friend'.

And it was a betrayal. I knew what was up the minute I walked in the office and Shelly said "we need to meet with Jan, NOW" and she wouldn't even let me log in. First words out of Jan's mouth were, "I promised if things ever weren't working out I'd let you know. So I'm letting you know now - we've eliminated your position" blah blah blah. When she had actually promised to let me know ahead of time and allow us both to determine a mutually suitable exit strategy - giving me enough time to find work and wrap up loose ends - document my processes; train others - etc. But no. I still have no idea what I did that was so heinous in her eye that justified her actions - I will never know. I have my suspicons, though (hence the tilt-a-whirl) and what's so very, very sad about all this is every one of the possibilities I can think of is a result of lack of communication and misunderstanding - and could have easily been fixed if she had taken the time to sit down and better define my & Shelly's roles & responsibilities as I had specifically requested 2 or 3 times. But no. She brushed me off saying "we'll deal with any problems when they come up". Last week - they came up and I guess this is how she chose to deal with it.

What broke my heart is it just didn't have to be this way. But I didn't stay broken-hearted long. The more I thought about it the more I realized what a world of hurt they've brought on themselves with this. I have not documented *any* of the regular procedures I do that so many people count on every month; and I've modified or added to any that I inherited, for which there might be documentation. Eventually they'll be able to figure it out - but there's going to be a lot of pissed off people in the meantime.

By Friday night I was pretty well over the shock, and actually started feeling pretty damned happy. I'm enjoying my vacation and already thinking about what to do with this very unexpected opportunity. I'm seriously considering trying to make a go of consulting full time, and am now laying awake thinking about possible markets and who I need to contact to activate my "network" and all that crap. And now, too I don't have much of an excuse not to start that novel I keep threatening to write.

Good Riddance

It's not often you get a root canal and fired from your job in the same week. Maybe not surprisingly, but of the two the root canal is causing me more pain. I've never been fired before. It's a new sensation.

Am I just a socially inept moron?

I mean, here I was mocking Smokin' Pete the other day for his clumsy ability to socialize, but he's in customer service. I try to get a simple difference of opinion worked out with Shelly and initiate some kind of basic professional collaboration and it turns into yet another sobfest. What a hypocrite I am. I may post the details later - right now I think we've got it worked out and I'm trying to move on. My birthday gift to my hubby today: trying not to obsess about my work issues on his special day. This post about beaurocratic headaches from Tequila Mockingbird is helping quite a bit.

20/20 Vision and one dead tooth later

I'm still alive :) and I'm not blind!! Woohoo!! The Lasik after all the hoopla was strangely anti-climatic. Didn't hurt at all. It was just more than a little disconcerting to feel like my eyes were going in for a 10 min oil change. Wait for 2 hours, get your little kit of goodies from Chris the tech guy (who bore a strong resemblance to one of the cruise director's assistants, "Karl with a K" from our honeymoon... but I digress); then they take you into a procedure room that was highly reminiscent of an X-files episode... plop you down in the chair, tape open your eyelids, then within 5 minutes afix suction thingies to your eyeballs, apply some eyedrop numbing stuff, then slice open the cornea, crank up the laser (I can't really describe the smell of burnt eyeball... I'm blocking it) , slap on some goop, flop the flap back over and voila! Good as new! Makes you think the days of Minority Report where Tom Cruise gets a black market eyeball transplant aren't that far-fetched.

Hello, my name is Kelli & I'm a pill popper

3 hours to Lasik and I'm flying high on Vicodin. It's making the toothache tolerable, though I need to take 2 to sleep. Mom said 1 Vicodin won't touch a toothache like this and damned if she's not right. I called the Lasik clinic this morning just to make sure it wouldn't be a problem. They said no - in fact a lot of people take one ahead of time to help them relax. Though they also give you a sedative - some kind of valium derivative to make sure you sleep afterwards to ameliorate the misery. Which I'm still going to get. So I'll be able to see clearer but will bet too stoned to tell for the next couple of days.

Countdown to Clarity

It is now less than 24 hours to my Lasik surgery!!! The pre-op exam went well, though I wasn't expecting to be dilated and it's taken me several hours to quit looking like someone strung out on crack (I'm assuming, of course that crack addicts have dilated pupils - I swear I saw it on ER once). The only not-so-good thing is I apparently have over-large pupils that dilate out to 7 mm, which happens to be the *exact* maximum covered area the cheaper Nidek laser can handle. The other option, the VisX is of course more expensive ($799/eye) but it can go up to a whopping 8 mm.... which would reduce my risk of developing problems with my night vision. So the question of the day: Is the increased risk worth an extra $300 per eye? I've done a little more research and I think so.

That will leave me $400 in my flex plan to pay for the non-covered portion of a root canal, which I am in desperate need of. So far I've taken 3 aspirin and 2 ibuprofen today and it's barely dulling the pain. In fact, fuck it - I'm calling for an appointment to get it done ASAP and see if the dentist will give me an Rx for Vicodin or something in the meantime. I'm sick of popping so many damned OTC pills and if I *do* get pregnant, I won't be able to at all.. Damn! How am I going to deal with not being able to take my sinus meds? Guess I'll just have to go see my aunt's acupuncturist dude. She says he manages her sinus problems using acupressure.

I bought this cool History of Portland book the other day with the gift cert. my father in law gave me for Christmas. I'm only through the first chapter and I'm already learning all kinds of fascinating trivia I can now wow Pop's side of the family with. Like why the streets on the north side of town run diagonal to those on the souht side. We're a bunch of annoying as hell historical know-it-alls is what we are... And come next Thanksgiving I shall be the queen! Bwahahaha!!